Archive for May, 2010

Blogmorial Day

May 29, 2010

This Monday, every single person in America and its not-quite-sovereign, forcefully dominated territories (I’m looking at you, Puerto Rico), will bow their heads in solemn celebration of those who have served in the United States military. Without them, such mutually agreeable relationships¬† — such as the one presented to Puerto Rico in July of 1898 by Rough Rider “friendship emissaries” at the height of the “Spanish-American Engagement” (source: Texas School Board of Education) — would not have been possible.

Rough Riders agreeably charge San Juan

But enough about Hispanic nations of negligible importance. Perhaps the finest example of military friendship between the U.S. and a sovereign nation is the United States occupation of the Dominican Republic (or, as I like to call it, “rockupation”).

I know what you’re saying, I know. But, which United States occupation of the Dominican Republic? And while, yes, 1916-1924 was awesome, I have to go with 1965-1966. Okay, it was shorter, but the time-frame means that soldiers were flying around in helicopters and blasting The Doors or some shit, which is profoundly cooler than anything that happened pre-1930, and necessary for any proper rockupation.

I’m not going to rehash the details here, because I’m already so sure it was awesome and fun that I don’t need to actually learn about it. The important thing is that Dave is probably here because some American Renaissance Man-Warrior (the complicated kind who would plant things) planted the very mango pit that would one day grow into a Dominican hospital. And in that hospital, almost 25 years ago, Dave lept, fully-formed, from his mother’s uterus and was probably immediately offended by something I said about him on the Internet.

Happy Blogmorial Day, Dave. And, I’m sorry.

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May 27, 2010

I see that roughly 40 of you check every single day (that I post something new). I see everything.

Did I mention this site once had well over 112 views in a single day (113)?

Let’s face it – there are exactly three things that are true about Dave:

1. He knows a lot of people.

2. He’s really easy to upset. Because he’s unstable.

3. He was born under a mango tree (or wherever they keep Dominican “hospitals”).

Number three is a topic for another post. But given items one and two, it’s more than likely that each and every one of us owes Dave a blogpology. That means the editors here at want to see some reader-generated content.

Ideally, said proposed content will involve stories, pictures and videos of us doing really nice and awesome things for Dave. Apologies, blogpologies, massages, buying him presents, whatever. This is all very important for the continual maturation of that I am so committed to on a secondly basis.

But sometimes you just have to get the ball rolling with whatever content I can get my oily, Sicilian hands on (seriously, it’s a problem – I can’t grip a tennis racket).

So, without further delay, I present you:

Seriously, Dave? You thought Kate would die, in the Lost series finale, in the first hour? [Spoiler alert: Kate doesn’t die in the first hour of the Lost series finale]

If you have any other videos of you or others doing really nice and awesome things for Dave, or hurting him, please email them to me. If you don’t know my email address, then don’t send anything to me, because I don’t know you (and you probably don’t know Dave anyway).¬† Also, leave comments on the site. I’m serious. I’m stretching a pretty thin premise all by myself here and it’s not easy.

[Credit for this video goes to Shitty Cheeseburger Paul and Garrett “To Catch a Predator” Doherty. Thanks, assholes.] saved my life.

May 26, 2010

That’s what I hope to be able to say, years from now. Perhaps it already has. Allow me to explain:

There are lots of different kinds of people that are especially important to blogpologize to. There are also lots of different situations that particularly warrant sincere blogpology. And, much like stand up comedy, timing is crucial in the art of blogpology. Anyone with an accredited B.S. in Anthroblogpology will tell you that. If they don’t, check their degree. It’s probably a Bull Shit degree in Lie-ology, and it’s probably from an unaccredited school, or at best regionally accredited, like DeVry. And seriously, DeVry?

But there are special cases in which something as incredible as is absolutely necessary. For any lesser offense, you’re probably fine going with what I like to call a disposable “Saturday Night Special Tumblr account,” or Twitter, if you’re a girl.

So we take this blogpology equation (if you’re keeping track, blogpologies are an art, science, philosophy and math) …

Special Person (S) + Special Situation (U) + Timing (T) = Blogpology (B)

… and we fill in the variables with real-world values:

S = Dave

U = Double, and possibly triple, homicide

T = Right the fuck now, before it becomes triple

And we solve for B! The purpose of is to solve for B. Before Dave kills me, as well as his roommates.

Very possible.

Murder. Pleasure. Rebirth. Dave.

May 24, 2010

While attending a black tie gala this past weekend, this blog’s author was given what is no doubt the greatest intangible gift one human being can give to another: the green light to bring back (The greatest tangible gift of course being piles of hot, wet cash.)

Indeed, the sole purpose of this gathering was to make this big announcement, though it was guised under the pretense of married people doing a thing for whatever. All in attendance were literally floored by the news, including this blog’s editor/contributing editor/sole writer. Why? Because this reopened the venue by which a plucky young blogpologist could once again solicit both positive and negative/whatever attention from close friends and people he doesn’t really talk to on facebook anymore? Because the very website that once received over 112 (113) page views in a single day would be gloriously resurrected? To serve the purpose of masturbatorily engaging myself in one of the (read: “the”) only things I’m good (read: “okay”) at?

Yes. All of these things. But, most importantly, because this means it worked. I won. To see Dave lie prostrate on the floor and basically beg me, crying like a baby, to start this motherfucker back up … was the purest form of forgiveness my litigious mind could possibly understand. I won the apology.

So, where do we go from here? Green lit to bring back SorryDave, there was great temptation to take this somewhere further, to mature the project and myself. The work I’ve done here, upon defeating Dave, has clearly transcended him. I thought for a long time about focusing my energies on a more perfect good.

But then I realized “more perfect” is a contradiction in terms. Besides, SorryDave was already perfect. The Blogpology would stand as it always had – as a tribute to how sorry I am for whatever it was I did to Dave. What it was was not important – not in SorryDave 1.0 …

But this is SorryDave 2.0. A new blogpology requires a new offense. So, without further ado, for the first time in SorryDave (and human) history, such an offense shall be delivered via blogpology.

Just days ago, Dave admitted that he would straight up murder his roommates in cold blood – and take pleasure from it. The “why” is not important. Dave’s insane.

Let the sorries begin!

Sorry, Dave … TWO.

May 24, 2010

The blogpology event of the millenium: will rise from its own ashes … like a Phoenix.

Spring 2010 (probably)